


Mostly Run-On Sentences and Dirty Talk

by Lavavulture



Series: Dog and Cole's Magical Rom-Com Adventures [1]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Background Female Inquisitor/Sera, But He Is Getting Busy, Cole's Not Getting Busy With The Warden's Dog, Fluff, His Name Is Dog, M/M, Which Is Awkward In The DA Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-20
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-13 20:46:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 8,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3395798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lavavulture/pseuds/Lavavulture
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Summary comes from the Pinboard for the Dragon Age Kink Meme and is perfect] Cole falls in love with kind-hearted riff-raff. The Inquisition makes sure he treats their resident spirit well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kind of the Prologue, I Guess

They found Dog buried in a snowbank under a pile of rubble. More precisely Cole found him and looking back on it that was the beginning of the trouble because when you’re dying of hypothermia and you see someone materialize out of thin air and ask if you need help, you’re probably going to want to get to know him. 

Nobody thought anything about it at first. Dog turned out to be a Red Jenny that “rescued” Mabari hounds from rich people and gave them to orphans or assassins or anybody that wasn’t stupidly wealthy and might do more with them than let them sit around their big houses. He was pretty infamous for it despite his youth and that was why he’d been targeted by the mercenaries who had left him for dead. He’d managed to kill a fair number of them because Dog was so big that people often asked if he had Qunari blood in him. However they never asked to his face because he was goddamned gigantic and might be touchy about it.

He would have been really dead if Cole hadn’t heard him thinking about all the shittiest parts of his life and generally wishing that they hadn’t been quite so shitty. When Cole had popped out of his cover Dog was convinced that he’d moved beyond and that the beyond was apparently filled with skinny kids around his age with big eyes and terrible hair.

Later when he’d been saved properly and spirited away to Skyhold so he could be healed and recognized as the dog-thief that he was, he sought Cole out. The skinny kid had only visited him once and that had been a surreal experience. He’d stared at him with those pale, wide eyes and told him very earnestly that he didn’t hurt as much anymore. This was a surprise to him because his ribs were still cracked and it hurt like a bitch. However he’d smiled the rakish smile that wealthy men and women saw right before he seduced them out of their precious hounds and Cole had smiled back, guilelessly with gapped teeth. It had knocked the wind right out of him. 

After that he hadn’t seen Cole for days but he had found strange little objects every day, sometimes several times a day, and they always ended up being exactly what he needed to feel better about the collapse of his former life. He knew they were from Cole because they were weird and Cole was weird and it just fit. He kept them all in a little box and brought them to the top of the tavern one day. 

“There were three choices but they were all the same choice in the end,” Cole said shyly as Dog approached him.

“Did you give me these?” Dog put the box down and gestured to its contents.

“Yes. I wanted to help.” Cole lowered his head slightly, which caused his ridiculous hat to cover up most of his pointed face.

“Asked around. Not everybody gets so much help from you. One or two, yeah, but this is more than that.” Dog came close. “You just wanna help me?”

“No,” Cole said and took a deep breath. “Warm and wriggling, her heart is beating so fast but she’s so happy because nobody shouts or hurts and he is hers and she is his now.”

“Lady,” Dog murmured softly. He’d been warned about Cole’s abilities but it still hit him hard. “I saved her from that asshole flash that was keeping her locked up because she wasn’t as pretty as his stupid fancy dogs. She wasn’t pretty at all but she was better than ten of them little shits.”

“Tears forced back because they mustn’t see, mustn’t know it hurts, blood everywhere but only some of it is hers now.” Cole looked down more as his back gently hit the wall behind him. Dog couldn’t stand any closer or they’d be touching, his broad frame against Cole’s lanky body.

Dog carefully removed Cole’s huge hat and put his large fingers under Cole’s chin, lifting his head up. His eyes were still too wide and he was sickly pale and so odd. 

“She was beautiful,” Dog said and kissed his soft, pink lips. Cole’s heart was beating fast against his chest and in that moment Dog was so happy.

Then the trouble started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompted on the Dragon Age Kink Meme:  
> Humanized!Cole falls for somebody, not the Inquisitor or a member of the Inner Circle or major NPC, just one of the many people around Skyhold. (No preference on gender, but they should be fairly young, close to the age Cole appears.) The object of his affections has realized that these things the boy in the hat keeps doing are intended to be romantic overtures, and tentatively accepted them.
> 
> And suddenly this poor nobody finds themselves getting vetted by some of the most important and terrifying people in the Inquisition. Tone and content of these little chats very wildly, but the subtext is always the same: be careful with him.
> 
> \+ If his LI has something of a checkered past that might warrant a little scrutiny. Not a bad person, but externally worth side-eyeing.
> 
> \+ If at least one of them (probably Varric) is also like 'but if Cole gets TOO weird, let me know and I'll have a talk with him'.


	2. Sera Was First, Which Made Sense Because They’re Both Red Jennies But Not Really When You Actually Think About It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has a little bit of F!Inky/Sera because Sera's my girl.

“It’s shit at being good at stuff,” Sera said, kicking her legs out with faux casualness on the roof. “You can’t even play good pranks on it.”

“Don’t really want to play pranks, do I?” Dog scratched behind his ear and grinned, his rough face lighting up. “Wanna get him in my bed.”

“Oh, yuck, yuck, shit, yuck, why you wanna put me off sex for? Sex is nice.” Sera shoved at the man’s massive frame and managed to move him not one bit. She scowled dramatically. “It don’t really get sex, I don’t think. Creepy just likes being in heads and wearing stupid hats.”

“I like his hats. He gave me one, I think. There was this big hat next to my bed one morning. One of those fancy Orly-ones with the feathers.” Dog leaned back and rubbed his hand over his shaggy black hair. “Keep the sun off. Be nice maybe.”

“It’s giving you presents?” Sera seemed horrified. “Don’t take them!”

“Gotta take them,” Dog said, sounding amused. “Hurt his feelings elsewise and I don’t wanna do that.”

“You’re so stupid, I hope Inky shoves you into one of those holes for messing around with it.” Sera rubbed her arm and looked away, so obviously trying not to sound serious that it was physically painful to hear. “She will, you know, cause she likes it and if Creepy starts crying or some weird shit because you get bored, she’ll get all mad and tell me that it’s my fault cause you’re a Jenny and I’ll have to kill you maybe so she’ll let me touch her goodies again.” 

“Won’t get bored then, will I? Don’t want the Herald mad at me.” Dog pointed down to the people below. “Bet I could throw this piece of bread down that flash’s fancy coat and he won’t notice.”

Sera let out an undignified snort. “Bet not!”

That ended up being one of the better conversations really.


	3. Dorian Was Next, Which Wasn’t Too Out There But Really It’s Clear He Was Bringing His Own Issues to the Table

“He’s not flash and he’s got a nice arse. What other reason do I need?” Dog looked cramped in the tight alcove of the library where Dorian had cornered him and despite the facetiousness of his tone, his smirk was unconvincing. Dorian knew a thing or twenty about ironic disinterest.

“There must be more to it,” Dorian said sternly.

“I like his legs?” Dog licked his lips. “Want them wrapped around me while I poke that nice--”

“That’s quite enough!” Dorian snapped. “Cole doesn’t understand men like you and I won’t let you take advantage.”

Dog scowled, all false joviality gone. “Look, I don’t expect the high-end to get it. You lot spend your days screwing each other and pretending it’s got some point to it other than fucking around cause you’re bored. Men like me? I see men like you sneak men like Cole into your beds and toss ‘em out with the trash in the morning. Least I’m honest about wanting a tumble and Cole gets more than you lot do.”

Dog tried to push past Dorian but a quick flare from the tip of his staff gave the man pause. Dorian furrowed his brow. “I don’t really care for you.”

“Mutual feelings all around.”

“However,” Dorian continued as though nobody had spoken,” I find myself liking you more with every inarticulate word that comes out your mouth. Maybe if more time passes I’ll be less inclined to want to use magic to terrify you into thinking that you’re a nug. Provided that Cole seems content.”

“I’ll keep him content enough,” Dog said guardedly but there was a bit more warmth in his face. “Keep him so content that he won’t be able to talk about all your little noble hurts like losing your gold mustache comb.”

“Don’t be absurd,” Dorian said and gently raised a finger to a tip of his mustache. “The flash all use silver for their mustache combs.” 

This conversation was actually not that bad in retrospect but there was definitely worse to come.


	4. An Short Interlude with Hardcore Relationship-Navigating

After that first kiss Dog found that it was nearly impossible to leave Cole alone, despite every bit of common sense in him saying that he should. Cole was unique and even if he was in the upper echelon of a disruptive, large-scale religious army, Dog wanted to gnaw on his thin neck for hours on end. The suddenness and ferocity of his desire towards Cole was only matched by the tameness of the gentle courting he began to engage in. Despite his bravado in front of some of the members of the Inquisition, he wasn't entirely sure that Cole understood what he wanted from him. Repeatedly and possibly in Dorian's favorite chair.

They held hands secretly on the roof and under tables, Cole's long fingers cold in his large hand. Dog left him little trinkets that he was pretty sure Cole repurposed for helping others, and they kissed very, very tenderly in the darkness of corridors and doorways. Cole kissed like nobody he’d ever met, sometimes awkward and uncertain, other times bold and fierce. Dog realized at one point that the way he kissed changed based on who might be nearby and he began pulling Cole into corners above where he knew the Iron Bull was drinking with his men. It proved to be detrimental to his determination not to move too fast but he tried to hold firm. No pun intended.

They talked constantly, Cole sharing Dog’s most intimate memories with him and Dog trying to learn what was in that pale head other than everybody else. The fact that he was a spirit or former spirit or spirit in a dead mage's body was of small interest to him. Dog had faith but he believed in a practical way that accepted that if Cole wanted to pretend to be human then he would treat him like he was. It was always easier to treat people like they were what they wanted to be.

One night Dog had walked up to Cole’s floor of the tavern and found him in a little-used bedroom up the stairs. Cole had stared wide-eyed up at him from the foot of his bed and began to tell him every filthy thought that was in Dog’s head in a hesitant, hopeful voice.

Dog didn’t really need more encouragement than that.


	5. Iron Bull Probably Wanted to Show Solidarity with Dorian So That He Could Get a Mustache Ride Because Fuck Knows He Doesn’t Mind Cole Having Sex

“You two are a little loud up there, don’t you think?” Iron Bull was lounging so casually in his chair that Dog was certain that he would break his leg if he tried to emulate it. He was also feeling a little nervous at how quickly he’d become surrounded by Chargers who were very pointedly not looking their way.

“Cole’s excited sometimes.” Dog decided to lounge standing up, which quickly proved to be a huge mistake considering he was still injured and Cole was limber and really genuinely excited sometimes.

“Just weird how the Kid didn’t even know a lap dance when I paid for one but you two hang out for a couple of weeks and he’s asking me about sexual positions.”

“Maker’s Balls, did you suggest the Hangman’s Noose?” Dog was horrified. “Was sure he picked it out of some pervert’s brain.”

This was also probably a huge mistake. Dog wondered if Cole would know right away that he’d been buried in an unmarked grave or if the Iron Bull would feel so good about it that it wouldn’t leak out.

“Well,” Iron Bull stretched a bit and scratched almost too casually around one of his horns. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a little fucking. It’s good for you. Humans take it so seriously.”

“Sure,” Dog agreed quickly, happily throwing his species under the bridge if it meant that he wouldn’t get gored to death. “Don’t take fucking serious at all, me. Just good, healthy fun.”

“Hmmmm.” Iron Bull paused for a horrifying minute. “If it’s just a bit of fun then surely you can drag yourself away for a few nights and go hunting with me and my boys. We know all the best places, dark little nooks and crannies that nobody knows about.”

Iron Bull leaned forward and suddenly he didn’t look so casual. “We could be gone for days, just us fun-loving guys, getting to know each other.”

Dog swallowed and realized that all the Chargers had turned to face him, their eyes solemn and intent.

“Sounds like fun, really, but Cole wanted to show me some big rock out on the Storm Coast that he likes. Hate to disappoint him.” Dog smiled through his nervousness, well aware that he was babbling. “He's like a puppy when he’s happy and I love puppies, you know, a big thing for me. Would never disappoint a puppy for the world.”

Iron Bull went back to lounging and the Chargers suddenly began raucously enjoying each other’s company. “I get what you mean. He’s certainly yappy enough to be a puppy. Tell you what, you start to feel like you want a little break from that and I’ll be right here. We can go out hunting anytime.”

Somehow that was still not the most horrifying conversation that he had.


	6. Seriously, Vivienne’s Before Fucking Varric, How Does That Make Sense?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vivienne is so fucking hard to write because she is a shimmering goddess of manipulation and genuine goodness and I worship her.

Dog didn’t really know what had happened. One minute he was staring at the Herald’s giant Qunari-style throne and trying to figure out when they’d gotten rid of the Ferelden one. The next thing he knew he was shivering, sitting in an understated Orlesian chair across from one of the most gorgeous women he’d ever seen in his life.

Vivienne took a measured sip of her tea and nodded slightly to the cup he hadn’t realized that he was holding.

“Drink, dear, before your tea gets cold. It ruins the flavor.”

Dog reflexively took a sip. It was the best goddamned tea he’d ever had in his life.

“I was hoping to have a little chat while the Inquisitor is out with her pet demon.”

“Cole’s not a demon,” Dog forced out through numb lips.

Vivienne smiled like a storm through the mountains and Dog began to sweat despite the chills still running down his body. There was harmless pretty-boy flash like Dorian and then there was _flash_.

“Cole,” Vivienne began in a patient voice, “is very good at pretending to be a darling young man. He’s helpful and the Inquisitor just adores him.”

Dog nodded despite himself. He’d noticed.

“However.” Vivienne held up one hand. “Cole is not Cole. The real Cole died, frightened and alone and then a demon took his face and tried to be him. I assume he's told you this?”

“Bit, yeah,” Dog said stiffly. Cole had told him that and more, his pointed face buried in the crook of Dog’s neck as he’d recounted the histories of the lives he’d taken and the shock of realizing what he was.

“Of course. He’s an honest creature up to a point. There’s not a secret in the world he wouldn’t tell if he thought it would help, so long as they are other people’s secrets. Perhaps you’ve heard a few?”

Vivienne leaned forward, just a bit, her face still calm and beautiful and terrifying. “Perhaps you hope to hear more.”

There was a brief pause as Dog began to understand the conversation they were actually having.

“He says what’s in my head, mostly. Don’t make sense when it’s not. Don’t think I’d understand if he did.” Dog took a sip. “I like it better when he says what’s in his head and he does that more and more each day.”

“How charming.” Vivienne leaned back, folding her long legs and setting her cup down beside her. “One other thing does trouble me, darling, and that’s this little mage fear I have. I sometimes worry that the demon may become upset one day. And if he becomes upset over what someone thoughtlessly said or did or didn't do, perhaps he’ll forget that he wants to pretend to be a sweet, helpful boy. Maybe he’ll decide to climb inside one of the mages so often in close proximity to him and the two of them will flay this thoughtless someone alive.”

Vivienne gently took the cup from Dog’s hand. “Of course being so…close to the dear means that you can help prevent this.”

“Course.” Dog nodded sharply. “Keep him happy.”

“Good boy,” Vivienne murmured in satisfaction. She stood and gestured nonchalantly. “You may go.”

He was gone so fast that it made him dizzy. In the end this was in pretty stiff competition to be the the most terrifying conversation he had with the Inner Circle of the Inquisition.


	7. Wait, Let’s Go Back a Bit Because That Must Have Been One Crazy Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A talented anon on the kink meme made some fantastic art to go along with this series and man do I love it to death. While this first story is relatively tame, these pictures are NSFW and are awesomely hot.
> 
> http://40.media.tumblr.com/0a984fd33fe08b4af33bdd61be7d1a1c/tumblr_njvpf2U7pB1s74wrmo1_1280.jpg
> 
> https://41.media.tumblr.com/0e7e8a92bbabbe7b01e651b91fb8bcc8/tumblr_njvpf2U7pB1s74wrmo2_r1_1280.jpg

Dog rolled over so that he wouldn’t crush Cole and pulled him limp and still shivering on top of him.

“That’s good, then, there you go,” Dog murmured soothingly. He ran his large hand down Cole’s shaking back and wondered if someone was going to come busting through the door. Cole had been shockingly, outstandingly, deliciously loud in his pleasure.

“I really like sex,” Cole said, his cheek pressed tightly to Dog’s shoulder.

“Guessed that, didn’t I?” Dog chuckled and then felt so tenderly towards the other man that he wanted to murder himself. “Did I hurt you?”

“Yes,” Cole said firmly. “You’re big and it hurt but the hurt wasn’t a bad hurt, it was good and it felt like you were all that was in me and I couldn’t breathe and then everything was too much and I thought that I would die but instead it felt wonderful.”

“So you’re not too sore then?” Dog asked, after spending a moment trying to parse what he’d said.

“No. Can we have sex again?” Cole looked up at him, pale eyes hopeful and eager.

“Think everybody else might have a problem with it, but I’m game if you give me a bit.” Dog wondered where else they could go in Skyhold so that Cole could have hurricane-style orgasms without letting everyone know.

“There’s an empty room in the front watchtower. The cook takes his naps in there in the afternoon because it’s quiet and it reminds him of his wife, misshapen red blanket on the bed like her first one, she was so happy he could never tell her it scratched, he rubs his face against it and he can almost smell her as he falls asleep. But we could go there at night.” Cole was frowning in concentration.

“You in my head again, cheeky rabbit? Be careful what you see in there right now.”

“I like it when you call me rabbit. I like rabbits,” Cole said contentedly and then glanced back up at him in confusion. “Why do you want to tie me up? That’s for people who have been bad.”

Dog grinned wickedly and switched them around, pushing Cole under him and pinning his thin wrists together with his hand. “You been a bit bad, yeah? Making such a fuss and disturbing good people’s sleep. It’d be a waste to put a gag in that pretty mouth of yours but maybe it’ll be for the good.”

“You’d like to.” Cole gasped sharply as Dog nipped under his chin and then nuzzled the red spot. “You…you want me to struggle and shiver, arching, aching until it’s too much for me and you-”

“You talk too much, sweet,” Dog said and kissed him hungrily.

Over the course of the next couple of hours Cole didn’t talk much more but he was definitely no quieter for it.

After a few weeks of that they were barred from spending the night in the tavern, which Dog found ironic, and they did find their way to that watchtower. It ended up working out better for everybody, even the cook, who started finding hot teas set out for him when he woke from his naps, smelling faintly like jasmine just as his wife always had.


	8. Blackwall Is Like a Supportive Uncle Who’s Cool With You Being Gay But He Really Doesn’t Understand How You Don’t Like Boobs Because Boobs Are Fucking Awesome

Dog stared across the courtyard to where the Orlesian shopkeeper was waving her hands around like exotic birds. All the little trinkets in her shop were pretty but he didn’t think they were quite right. As he sat there the only dog he’d encountered in Skyhold wandered over to him and immediately began trying to stick her nose in his coat pocket.

“Stop that now, love, got nothing for you,” Dog said, sticking his hands in his pocket to pull them out and show her. Instead of nothing his hand encountered a small meat-filled pastry and the mutt barked excitedly at him.

“Lucky for you my rabbit’s a bloody mind-reader,” he told her and tossed the pastry to the ground.

He heard someone clearing their throat behind him and looked back to see the Herald’s fake-Warden friend.

“I wonder if we could talk, lad,” Blackwall said solemnly.

“Here it is again. You’re lucky you’re between gentlemen,” Dog told the happy mutt and stood up, brushing the dirt from his clothes.

He followed Blackwall deeper in the stables, already tensing in preparation for what was inevitably to come. He paused when he saw the wooden gryphon on the table.

“Not bad, that.” He nodded towards the statue and Blackwall inclined his head slightly in thanks. The man looked more stiff and uncomfortable than Dog felt.

Blackwall cleared his throat again. “I wasn’t going to say anything. The boy is…what he is and I didn’t think you would grow as close as you have.”

“Got a point in this, old man? I got lots of sitting around to do.” 

“I hope you’re more respectful than this around Cole,” Blackwall said in a low voice.

“He don’t like me respectful,” Dog said slyly. “Prefers a rougher tongue.”

“You’re not going to make this easy, are you?” Blackwall shook his head. “I’m well-acquainted with lads like you. You’re practically the backbone of any army, straight-forward, none of the pretty manners of the gentry but you get the jobs done.”

“You’re not trying to recruit me, are you?” Dog raised an eyebrow but was secretly pleased by the compliment.

“Those days are behind me now. What I want to ask you is very simple and I want a simple answer.” Blackwall straightened up and looked him directly in the eyes. “What are your intentions towards our Cole?”

Dog stared at him for a moment and then laughed, openly and genuinely. “Our Cole? You a spirit yourself? Spirit of beardiness maybe? Cole don’t belong to nobody but himself.”

“The Inquisition took him in, gave him a purpose and a chance at a human life. The lad took it and I mean to help him live as normally as possible. I’d hoped he would take a shine to one of the nice, solid girls around the keep, but his preferences obviously lay elsewhere.” Blackwall paused a moment, perhaps imagining the fat babies he’d hoped that Cole and his sweet wife would name after him, and rallied himself. “I want to know that you’ll treat him right, that you’ll be patient with him and help him to be the good man he wants to be. If not, I want you to shove off now rather than later when it would hurt him more.”

Dog sighed heavily. As far talks went this one was more direct than the others and it appealed to his common nature.

“Like I’ve been telling your friends over and over again, I got no plans to hurt Cole. I like him, he’s a funny little thing, scary when he don’t mean to be and nice all the time no matter who don’t deserve it. I don't think ahead but I know I want him with me and he’ll be a good man with no lead from me cause he’s already good. That work for you?”

“It’s good answer.” Blackwall seemed relieved that their talk was coming to an end. “I’ll expect you to keep to your word. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to get back to my carving.”

“Sure.” Dog started to turn and then a thought came to him. “You don’t make anything other than big dead birds, do you? Like littler animals maybe?”

“I could, I suppose.” Blackwall was clearly perplexed at the idea of someone not wanting a wooden gryphon.

Dog smiled. “Got a favor to ask then.”


	9. Look, Cassandra’s Not Screwing Around Here, She’s Got Shit to Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was probably my favorite because I love Cassandra. She's amazing and hilarious and I want to woo her with every character I could possibly ever create.

Dog was walking towards the watchtower, a little bounce in his step as he contemplated the night ahead of him. Suddenly he was slammed against a stone wall and the Right Hand of the Divine was pushing her strong forearm into his throat.

“I have no time to be waste on this so I will be brief,” Cassandra said, her face close to his. “You are with Cole. I do not care about who you are and what ridiculous things you did before coming here but he has a trusting nature. You will not take advantage of it for your own petty satisfaction. Is that understood?”

Dog tried to nod but the arm crushing his windpipe made it hard to move his head. Cassandra loosened her hold a bit.

“Is that understood?”

“Yes,” Dog managed out.

“Good.” Abruptly Cassandra let him go and stepped back. Dog touched his throat gingerly and then she was shoving a large book into his hands.

“Tell Cole that if he wishes to know the rest of this he must read it himself. I am too busy to read it for him.” Cassandra started to walk away and paused. Her next look was so menacing that Dog wanted to run away just on principle. “He must read it though. He must know the end. You may not read it or know what it is about. Is that understood?”

“Yes?” Dog looked down at the cover and was glad that he didn’t know how to read.

“Good.” Cassandra nodded to herself. “Good.”

She walked away at a furious pace.

That night he gave Cole the book, curiosity rising up in him where there had only been fear before.

“She said I couldn’t know what it was about. Is it secret?”

Cole carefully flipped the pages in the book and shook his head slowly, a soft smile on his face. “Heat rising with the words, tenderness and excitement swirling inside, will the Captain be saved this time, will he ever see her as she sees him?”

“It’s a lovey book? Just a story? She don’t want me to read her favorite story?”

“She doesn’t want anyone to know that she’s got any softness inside. I liked when she read it to me.” Cole seemed sad as he continued flipping through the pages.

“You could read it to me a bit? I like stories,” Dog suggested and was rewarded with Cole pressing against him happily.

“We can’t start here! I’ll ask Varric for the other ones. They make him miss home, hard stones underfoot, how does Daisy stand it, stink of sweat and fish mixed with musk and lyrium, Ravaini must be visiting Broody again, Maker spare us that disaster.” Cole paused and collected himself. “But he still likes to be asked.”

“Sounds good to me.” Dog held Cole closer to him for a moment and then had a terrifying thought. “Just, keep this between us, yeah? Let’s not let her know you told me about her inside softness.”

“That would be better,” Cole agreed.


	10. Isn’t There a Dragon Fighting a Giant on the Storm Coast?

Dog grunted as he followed Cole up yet another steep hill. He hadn’t realized that the Inquisition involved so much walking around on mountains. Around them lightening flashed and the wind howled and it hadn't stopped raining since they'd gotten to the first camp. He could hear the water crashing against the coast behind them and a some ominous noises that he was pointedly ignoring.

“I found it,” Cole said, coming to an abrupt stop in front of a large rock. Dog almost crashed into him and reached out with both hands to steady himself on the rock.

Cole twisted around in the unintentional cage of Dog’s thick arms. It had genuinely been unintentional but the surprised face Cole showed him, half-hidden by his hat, was cute enough that he leaned in for a soft kiss. Cole’s lips were cold, which felt like an invitation so he kissed him a moment longer before pulling back. Cole kissed differently with no one around, more shy and uncertain. It inspired possibilities.

“Hello, rabbit,” Dog said softly. “Found your rock, did you?”

Cole lost the slightly dazed look on his face. He pushed Dog back so he could escape his arms and stand next to him.

“I saw this when we were last here. Dorian was cold, always cold right down to the bone, so we didn’t stay but I saw it.” He slid his long fingers over a carving in the rock and looked hopeful. “Can you read it?”

Cole had been teaching him how to read using Varric’s trashy romance novels as a guide. Between Cole’s vague, mysterious teaching style and the truly horrendous plots of the books, Dog didn’t think he was learning much. However he had learned his letters and he certainly recognized the C and D linked together inside of a jagged heart. It wasn’t complete and slid far too low down at the bottom as though the carver had fallen to the ground while finishing.

“Looks like someone beat us to it. Trees are more traditional though.” Dog smiled and wrapped his hand around Cole’s as he traced the letters.

“Wind whipping through her hair, beautiful even in this, especially in this, Mother will learn to love her more than the grandchildren I’ll never give her,” Cole said dreamily. He ducked his head. “They were killed by bandits while she made this. She died happy. She never had to learn that her lover was going to marry a boy from their village.”

“You’re such an odd little thing,” Dog said fondly. This wasn't really the romantic setting he'd pictured for this but he realized that it was about as appropriate for Cole as it could get. He reached inside his coat and pulled out a small wooden figurine. It was a large dog curled up in sleep with a rabbit nestled on top of it. He pressed into Cole’s hand. “This is for you. Only you, don’t want to see it with some little girl that’s always wanted one or with a sad rabbit-farmer.”

“Do you farm rabbits? Like potatoes?” Cole looked startled at the idea but his hand closed around the statue and he threw his arms around Dog’s shoulders. He pressed his cold nose against his neck for a moment and then disappeared.

Dog looked as the space Cole had been in for a startled moment and then heard a shout behind him. The shout had come from a rangy bandit archer that Cole was busy stabbing repeatedly in the back. Dog sighed, rolled up his sleeves, and made his way towards a surprised man with a huge battle-axe.

Next time he was picking where they went on their date. No mountains, no rain, no tragic love-rocks, and no bandits.


	11. Solas Really Doesn’t Like Any of This Shit Because He Is Too Fucking Old and Is Kind of a Dick But In a Fun Way

“You are not extraordinary,” Solas said after what felt like an aggressively long time just staring at him across the tavern table.

Dog made a face and then nodded casually. He stood up. “Good talk. Be sure to treat Cole right and all that.”

“I’m not worried about that,” Solas said dismissively. Dog remained standing but didn’t move away.

Solas considered his words. “Well, I certainly do want you to treat him well. However, I’m more confused than worried.”

“Cause I’m not extraordinary?” Dog crossed his arms.

Solas nodded and peered up at him, his narrowed eyes curious. “He is, of course. There is nothing like him in this world or any other. You? There are so many of you. Brutish, ignorant, content in your own small life. You’re incredibly human.”

“He wants to be human, small life and all that.”

Solas looked almost approving at his answer and leaned forward conspiratorially. “Perhaps that is it. Cole chose humanity over his true nature. He changed himself irrevocably. Perhaps you are another stepping stone towards completing that change.”

“Nothing wrong with that.” Dog rubbed the back of his neck and wished rather desperately for a drink. He looked up to the rafters where he knew Cole was skulking around, perhaps having a horrifyingly creepy staring contest with that assassin woman he sometimes ran into up there.

“I suppose not,” Solas said doubtfully. “Certainly if he wants to experience mortal pleasures a vulgar, groping human is a thorough introduction. Hopefully when his youthful curiosity has been sated he will choose more carefully.”

“You got somebody in mind for that?” Dog asked sharply. “Some extraordinary elf prick, maybe.”

Solas blinked. “Interesting idea. I hadn’t considered it. Cole is a spirit and I am fond of them. However he is quite attached to his current form and I’m afraid I don’t find it appealing in that way.”

“Your loss then. He’ll be stuck with vulgar me until you find somebody better, I guess?”

The mage let out a frustrated sigh. “I’m not used to having these sorts of conversations so I suppose our misunderstanding is partially my fault. I have no intention of trying to convince Cole to turn his affections elsewhere. I was simply curious to see if you were as human as you seemed. I wanted to understand his choice.”

“Do you then?” 

“Perhaps.” Solas stood. “I imagine you would prefer if I warned you on pain of death not to hurt my friend but he is much more dangerous than you could ever hope to be. All I can say is that you should enjoy him while he is in your life. You’ll certainly never encounter his like again.”

“Pleasure getting your advice, I’ll be sure to think of it when I’m groping him with my sad human hands.” 

“Excellent idea,” Solas said, with a small enough smirk on his face that Dog wasn’t sure if he was serious or not. He walked out of the tavern as casually as he'd entered it and the room suddenly erupted into whispers. Dog wasn't sure where he'd gone wrong but he was pretty certain that he'd been shown up. It was really a great exit.


	12. Varric Knows That This is Half His Fault and Honestly Since Isabela Is One of His Best Friends Most People Seem Like Pretty Decent Catches By Comparison

“You enjoying those books I gave the Kid?” Varric was actually nudging him but he didn’t go so far as to wink.

Dog grinned widely. “Masterpieces, all. Specially love all the cave parts.”

“I can never think of a good way to make those parts sound different. Seen one cave, you’ve seen them all.” Varric pulled out a deck of cards. “You want to play of game of two-man Wicked Grace?”

“Wondered when we’d get to this,” Dog said, hoping that this conversation wouldn’t go too poorly. Out of all of Cole’s very protective friends he obviously admired Varric the most.

“I didn’t know you were so eager to play with me. You should have said something sooner. Of course, you’ve been a busy boy.” And then Varric did wink and it was goddamned charming.

“That what you want to talk with me about? My busyness?” Dog tried not to look at Varric’s chest hair as they sat at the table but it was mostly impossible. 

“I really didn’t want to talk about anything in particular. Something pleasant, hopefully. I’d like to hear how you’re enjoying your time in Skyhold.”

Dog stared at him. “You don’t want to talk about Cole? Threaten me? Suggest I’m not good enough? Threaten me more?”

“That really doesn’t sound like me. To be honest, I wouldn’t mind hearing about Cole. I’m happy he’s so happy. Kid deserves it.” Varric looked thoughtfully at his cards. “Right after he found you in that snowbank he was wandering around with his head even more in the clouds. I figured he should introduce himself, make friends. And it worked out, didn’t it?”

“You told him to visit me in that tent?”

“Sure. I had a good feeling about you.” Varric hesitated. “I mean, I also had Leliana look into you a bit. Nothing serious! Just a little peek into your romantic history and family drama and any potential skeletons in your closet. You’re pretty clean considering, although I wouldn’t introduce Cole to that angry Antivan you used to date. Temper!”

Dog laughed. “Maybe you should have told the rest of your lot about your spying.”

“And deprive them of the joy of scaring you half to death? We’re in a war here, Lucky, people have to get their kicks where they can. I figured you could handle it. If you can handle the Kid, you can handle his friends.” Varric squared his broad shoulders and leaned back.

“I suppose it wasn’t all that bad.” Dog mirrored Varric’s posture in the chair.

“That reminds me.” Varric rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “I know the Kid can be a little...much sometimes. He’s a kind of spooky and weird and he really doesn’t get the concept of privacy when it comes to what’s in your head.”

“He’s getting better,” Dog said and it was true. Cole only occasionally told him things that he was secretly horrified to hear said out loud.

“Sure!” Varric waved his hand. “Kid’s making great progress, I’m really proud of him. I just want you to know that if he ever gets to be too Cole just tell me and I’ll talk to him. I’m rooting for you two.”

“Thanks,” Dog said and looked down at his cards to hide the sincerity showing on his face.

“No problem, Lucky. Now I think you’re going to want to prepare yourself for this.” Varric set his cards down on the table triumphantly.

“You cheating bastard!” Dog shouted and far up above them Vivienne leaned over the railing and frowned meaningfully at them.

“We should go,” Varric said, looking up.

“Yep,” Dog agreed. And they did. Very quickly.

Without a doubt this was the best conversation he had with one of Cole's friends.


	13. I’m Pretty Sure That Josephine Doesn’t Really Know Who Cole Is Because I Guess Her Life Is Pretty Awesome Despite the Assassins (And Leliana and Cullen Are There Too)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The thing to take away from this is that Dog is pretty young and fairly dumb.

“Robert Levet. Is that correct?” Josephine looked brightly at him over her clipboard. Next to her Cullen was staring away with vague disinterest while he clutched his sword handle. In the corner Leliana was standing tall with her arms clasped behind her. She nodded slightly and Dog realized that Josephine’s question had actually been directed at her.

“So you know my real name, what’s it matter? Nobody calls me that cause he’s nobody.” Dog tried to affect a flippant tone but he couldn’t hide his nervousness. It was one thing to be lectured by some of the Herald’s friends. It was another to be summoned by her War Council and examined. Obviously Varric's idea of clean and theirs had conflicted.

“You were born in Ferelden but your mother was Antivan.” Josephine smiled at him and went back to her notes. “She worked for a minor Orlesian lord who lived near the border. When she died you stole the lord’s prized Mabari hound and fled to Antiva.”

“Wasn’t stealing.” Dog licked his dry lips. “She picked me when we were both pups. That flash bastard didn’t know what to do with her, didn’t know a damn thing about Mabaris. Orlesians have no business with them.”

Cullen turned his head to look properly at Dog. “Can’t say I disagree with that.”

“You Fereldans and your precious dogs.” Josephine sighed. 

“However amusing your childhood antics were, they are not what I found interesting. And they are not why you are here.” Leliana walked forward and put a portrait down in front of him. Dog looked at the rough sketch of a dark Antivan face and he frowned.

“I know her, what of it? She’s a friend of my aunt.”

“She is an Antivan Crow.” Leliana tapped the portrait with one of her long fingers. 

“Probably. Lots of people are in Antiva. Ask her.” Dog nodded to Josephine. “Can’t swing a cat without hitting a Crow. It’s not like I was one.”

“No, certainly not.” Leliana leaned forward slightly. “You’re a spy for them.”

Dog furrowed his brow in honest confusion. “Don’t think so.”

“Then why was this in your bag when Cole found you?” Leliana pulled out a small scroll and opened it carefully. 

“Fidela wanted me to drop it off for her. I do that sort of thing when I’m at my own work.” Dog looked at the scroll. He’d thought that he’d lost it. 

“Interesting approach,” Cullen mused disapprovingly. “Send a thief into the homes of conspiring nobles to steal their dogs and then leave them messages from their cohorts. No one would suspect them of a crime when one had just been committed against them.”

“What conspiring? Crows leave people messages.”

“It never struck you as odd that the enemies of the nobility you gave these messages to were soon assassinated? You never questioned taking messages back to your friend?” Josephine shook her head at this amateurish attempt at the Game. “You’ve been delivering valuable secrets to very dangerous people.”

Dog leaned back, gently touching the scroll. “I can’t read. Fidela told my aunt she would teach me but she taught me other things instead. I didn't know they were bad, these notes. She told me they were threats. And I don't keep track of the flash I rob. They all have lots of enemies.”

She’d taught him things that had made him feel special, wonderful things that Cole had never presented to him from his head because they were rare things that didn’t hurt.

“So willing not to question a friend even when any fool would have seen that something was wrong. Stupidly admirable.” Cullen crossed his arms. “However now we come to Cole.”

Dog felt numb. “He’s got nothing to do with this.”

“Cole could be a very useful tool for a spy. He can peer inside the head of almost everyone he meets and he’ll parrot it back to you with no prompting. His mind is full of secrets. I can only imagine what a woman like your friend would make of him.” Leliana sounded almost wistful.

She would be kind to him, sweet and genuine because she truly liked people until she had to kill them and was gifted at finding out where their softest parts were. Cole was all soft parts even when he was killing someone. Especially when he killing someone. She would adore him. 

“What do you want from me?” Dog asked quietly.

“Let us take care of it,” Josephine said. “It’s the sort of thing we excel at.”

“You just continue taking such excellent care of Cole,” Leliana said.

“And if that doesn’t work we can always throw you down into the prison and see if the Crows want you,” Cullen said thoughtfully. 

"You weren't supposed to tell him that part," Josephine said, closing her eyes.

Cullen shrugged again, unconcerned.

"You can go now," Leliana said, gently herding him towards the door. "Don't worry about a thing. I'm sure your friend is a very reasonable Crow and may not immediately try to kill you to keep her conspiracy a secret." 

As Dog stared at the door from the other side he came to the very correct conclusion that this had been the worst conversation he'd had with Cole's friends. Also he was apparently out of a job.

"Well, shit," he said and walked back to the tavern.


	14. Wait, Cole Knows One Other Person

“I think I see them! Wait, no, that’s just a stupid bird. Fuck off, bird,” Sera waved her fist warningly at the raven flying back towards the keep and then she settled herself back down onto the roof.

Dog lifted his arm up off of his eyes and looked up at the sky from his prone position beside Sera. “You been shouting at every bird that’s come near us. Birds can fly places, they don’t need you letting them.”

“They shit on everything, yuck, like flying rats.” Sera rubbed her arms. “It’s fucking freezing! When are they coming back?”

“Nobody told you to wait, did they? You could go back and sleep in your nice room in the tavern. I can’t go back because some arsehole got me kicked out.”

“Yeah,” Sera grinned proudly. “I couldn’t stand listening to you two anymore. Gross! And all the time! Get a life already, right?”

Dog grunted and covered his eyes again. “Don’t think the Herald has much place for dog-stealing so I don’t know what you want me doing.”

“Don’t care about the what, just who.” Sera nudged him. “Get it? Doing who? Cause that’s sex!"

Dog was contemplating throwing Sera off the roof when a guard sounded the alarm signaling the return of the Herald and her party. Sera whooped and began shimmying down the side of the building. Dog sat up and watched their approach for a minute. As always the Herald looked too small and nonthreatening for someone that made him so nervous that he couldn’t even glance her way when she walked across the courtyard. He’d never said a word to her since he’d come to Skyhold.

Behind her Dorian and the Iron Bull were arguing in that sexually-charged way that made everyone around them uncomfortable. Horribly them actually fucking had made it ten times worse.

Then he saw Cole following them in that awkwardly graceful way he had of moving. His hat was pushed back on his head for once and as he came closer to the courtyard Dog saw the huge dark bruise on his face. 

Dog was off the roof and over to him before he could think about it.

“Hello,” Cole said happily when he saw him, holding out his arms but Dog ignored the greeting in order to turn his head and examine the bruise. It was even more pronounced up close, dark red and black and purple.

“Andraste’s Tits, what happened to your face?” Dog pushed back some of Cole’s hair so he could see how far up it went. 

“A giant didn’t like me and I hit a wall. He’s dead now.” Cole pushed himself against Dog, obviously trying to go for the hug he’d been expecting.

“A giant?” Dog looked at Cole for a moment and then over at the Herald. She seemed fine and was busy being snogged aggressively by Sera. Dog saw red and walked away from Cole.

“The fuck were you thinking, fighting a giant?” Dog yelled at the Herald, causing everyone nearby to pause and stare. “I get fighting Templars and mages and breaking up red magic rocks but giants don’t got nothing to do with Corypheus! What were you even doing there?”

Sera goggled at him for a minute and then laughed raucously.

“I’m sorry, who are you?” The Herald seemed more confused than upset.

Dorian coughed meaningfully. “This is Cole’s paramour.”

“What’s that?” Dog turned his glare to Dorian, ready to fight—and undoubtedly get his ass kicked—if the fancy mage was talking shit about him with his flash words.

Cole gently tugged on his arm and he looked down at him. Cole whispered to him, “That means what we are. Nice, not hurtful. It’s a pretty word in his mouth.”

“Oh,” Dog felt some of his anger fade in his embarrassment and he suddenly realized that he’d been shouting at the most holy messenger of Andraste.

“Oh!” The Herald’s face lit up and she grabbed his hand, shaking it firmly. “I’m sorry that we haven’t met yet. I’ve heard so much about you from Cole and, well, everyone. And I’m sorry about the giant. I was looking for these bottles and it was there before we noticed.”

“How do you miss a giant, stupid?” Sera said fondly. “They’re big!”

“Yes, well, I was distracted by some rams and there was this big cluster of iron in front of us. I really didn’t mean for Cole to get hurt like that.” The Herald looked so upset that Dog felt the rest of his anger slip away. 

“It was really more my fault. I should have been in front of the little guy. There was this wall I thought I could knock over and I wasn’t paying attention to him.” The Iron Bull laid one of his heavy hands on top of Cole’s head in apology.

“I suppose,” Dorian began in a measured way, “I should have put a barrier over him but I thought I saw one of those Veil fire torches and I wasn’t looking his way.”

Dog rubbed his head, now thoroughly embarrassed. “Well, just don’t let it happen again, yeah?”

“Fear freezing your spine, choking your throat.” Cole blinked at him. “You weren’t angry, you were afraid that I would be lost. It was horrible and enormous in your head. You couldn’t hold it all in.”

“Course I was afraid,” Dog said, forgetting about the others in order to pull Cole into his arms. “Not losing you now.”

Cole leaned up and kissed him, the movement knocking his hat to the ground. Dog kissed him back, carefully. He held his waist tightly for a moment before one of his hands went a little lower.

“Not here!” Sera screeched and began pulling the Herald away.

“It was nice meeting you,” she said sheepishly as she was dragged. “Sorry again about the giant!”

This was the best and worst conversation that Dog had with the Herald. Thankfully it wasn’t the last.


End file.
